Once upon a time, I homeschooled a little boy who had OCD and Tourette’s and I wondered if there was anyone who could help me see how I was made to be his mom. I felt I failed him. I knew something in me was made for my family – but how? I wanted a mom whisperer.
I saved themomwhisperer.com and ultimately, I blogged there to help and encourage moms. I taught classes online and locally. But then I went through a separation and my gram died. Then my divorce finalized, also removing me from the family business. Then my uncle died.
I still blogged and cut weekly videos on having a teen in high school. In real life, friends moved. Other friends chose to be out of my life for a variety of reasons. Jordan, my son, didn’t want to go to college, so I took him to Los Angeles to see if he wanted to pursue photography there for a gap year. While in LA, my hair got cut to 3 inches to help save it. I took a break from The Mom Whisperer because I couldn’t think clearly enough to engage at that point.
The house sold.
What started as a Summer break from the mom whisperer became no natural way back in. I had no stories, nothing familiar, and no words left. The dog died. I had no markers for the day no morning routine no orders for the family business no errands to run no dinner time to make by 6 o’clock. Meals that used to be on a family table were alone. A daily routine now focused on therapy appointments for loss and grief, walking in nature, and writing.
New neighbors replaced familiar ones.
I needed to listen to life‘s whispers. I needed time, new views, help from others, women circles, and long drives. I needed to learn identity work on how to reconfigure who I was with no roles no family around and a life I no longer recognized.
Every Friday for these three years of loss I wrote a post on Facebook and called it FearLess Fridays. Partly I wrote it so I could take stock of what was happening. Partly, to connect to the online world in some way. Partly, so I could keep pushing myself to not hide even though life was shattered.
Over time, I took jobs, and quit jobs. Finally, I asked myself what I really wanted to do in the world. I wanted a retreat – the way I understood them. Not the jam-packed 12 hours of motion, but a solo retreat with others diving deep and listening to their lives. I wanted to inspire and impact the lives of women who felt they had to settle into the life they were given. I wanted to help women see themselves beyond being a mom, a friend, a sister, a wife.
Truth is life iterates. We learn, we change, and grow. And sometimes in the process, we lose who we truly are. In turn, we end up playing small in this big world.
While I don't wish these past few years of my life on anyone. I do wish hope, centeredness, and purpose on everyone. So we begin.